Sunday, 10 February 2013

Our Valentine Gift to Singles (2): Fighting Infidelity

What concerned wives say when questioned about their husbands’ unfaithfulness is always associated with giving. They say their men do not give their selves and resources. By “not giving their selves”, they mean the men are:

  • relatively watching too much of football or going out with cliques instead their wives
  • not available to the children when actually needed
  • not helping with the house chores
  • more absent from the bedroom than can be tolerated
  • not as romantic as the persistent bad guys pestering them at the office and restaurant
while the withdrawal or withholding of resources often mean the men are not:

Photo Courtesy: Love Yoga
  • providing them with any or adequate money
  • giving them gifts and surprises
  • appearing as sexy as they used to be
  • spending quantitative time
  • sharing their new car with them
Breaking news ladies! Some of your men too will not resemble the same machismo you see today. The sideburns may turn bushy or even disappear. Their heads may go bald and the gifts may no longer come often. You must know the man you want and want the man you know. Forget all those Alice-in-Wonderland ideas you read in novels, unless stated otherwise, they are mere figments of some writer’s imaginations.

However, one thing that will help your relationship is communication; without it there can be no real interaction. Bridging the gap and telling the other person exactly how you feel even when it is clear that they should initiate the talking is an effective approach. Confront problems carefully and attempt to solve them promptly. Don’t ignore what you don’t want to see in marriage; talk about it and reach an agreement on it. Guys, I said these before in the first part of this article, know your limits and know hers too. Don’t learn in bachelorhood what you will have to unlearn in marriage. And ladies, you’ve got so much power; don’t misuse it. The heartbeat of your marital relationships will actually depend on you. Your choices and how you are able to support and influence your men will matter a lot. I am not even married so don’t take these ideas as dogma; they are factual hypotheses. But if you are wise, you will drop the opinions of persons whose marriages are not working and learn from those whose marriages have lasted and are booming. Sometimes, they are difficult to identify but the quality of their grown-up children often give them away. It will do you a lot of good to share your feelings about your relationships with them and seek advice.

Though men have developed polygamous tendency since Adam became a grandfather, they can surely overcome it. However, women must teach them to imbibe monogamy. How do you just expect a guy who has had sex with all sorts of women before he met you (and perhaps, had sex with you before marriage) to keep away from other women after marriage? If to such a man, marriage is just an event and not a covenant, then you will be asking for too much. It is somewhat ladies’ responsibility to teach their guys how to overcome the temptations of “offside” eroticism by not zipping down for them before marriage. Men who have always had “their ways” before marriage will learn it as the only way. And if they don’t get it from their wives for any reasons, those bad girls out there will be too willing to give them.

Ladies, remember that you’d get pregnant and have to spend great time with babies. So, try to figure out what your man will be doing then. Is he going to be counting the ceiling squares in the house? Will he be able to cope out of inner strength? These questions may seem funny. But truly, some men’s sexual configuration cannot handle it and that is why they find it easy to cheat. Yet, it is possible to keep a faithful man and you (lady) have a major role to play in achieving this. You must discover who he is, if he hasn’t already, before marriage and encourage him in that direction. A man who sees sex, money and having biological kids as more important than an ultimate life goal will find it easier to fail maritally. This is because the absence or presence of those other factors in his life, will matter more than his wife or helpmate. A man should have something he wants to do ultimately with his life for which he will need your support. It could be as simple as raising his kids successfully or helping in the community. But inherently, he should have something that makes him deserve to be alive; the trademark of his own greatness.

Ultimately, in pre-marital relationships, it is paramount for both parties to readily communicate and agree to always seek to resolve their misunderstandings within the shortest possible time. You would do well to evaluate your relationship at regular intervals and tell each other the truth. Doing likewise in marriage with the intention of remaining faithful will help prevent infidelity significantly. If you both fear God, that’s a great plus for your relationship –you will find more peace. Secondly, I am very sure that identifying several common interests and planning your social activities around such is a readily formidable strategy for ensuring loyalty before and after wedding.
In reiteration, you may need to talk to more experienced and exemplary spouses before and after getting married because what you have just read is not absolute and may not specifically apply to your situation.